A MONTH...REALY are you sure it hasn't been a year?

We have been home for a month, but it really hasn't felt like a month. It has felt like longer!!!!!! When i look back on our experience at TMS although it was 4 months it never felt that way. Since i got home i have been trying to determine if it felt shorter, or longer. And after taking some time to think it over i have decided that it felt MUCH shorter. I think this is because at every moment that i was awake whether it was walking into the bathroom in the morning to take a shower (praying that i am the first one so i can get the good shower), or staying up until i am the last one up in the dorm i knew that there was ALWAYS someone that i needed RIGHT THEN they were only a few feet away. I think the biggest thing that i have missed coming home is that there is not someone there (that i like) at all times. What i have come to really appreciate is being with people that you truly like so you are able to look past who you are with and into just having a good time. Every moment was filled with one of you and thats what made TMS so short BUT so great. Not being able to have people around me that i can talk to at all times has been boring, and i have found myself rotting away in front of the tv and computer making my days last fffffooooorrrreeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeerrrrr. BUT even as my days feel so long being able to talk to you knowing that you guys are only a phone call or keystroke away has made me feel so much better. I am living TMS through messages, letters, and calls but i am happy with that because thats MUCH better than what i had before. Even if my days seem more boring than before my highs are so much higher (i thought about this sentence and it sounded so cliche but whatever it says what i want to get across...oh well). I hope you guys are having a great summer and the summary of this post is that i had such a great time at TMS and even at home you guys are the gum to my blowpop (but much more long lasting because that gum lasts for way too short for my liking). Well Miss and Love you all!

I've been completely okay since I've left. Everything back to normal, no struggles. And that's generally the kind of person I am. I'm okay and content wherever I am and that's how it was at Mountain School and when I came back home.

But today I tried to call some girls from my dorm and actually felt bad when one couldn't talk and the rest didn't pick up the phone. I know it wasn't on purpose, but I realized that I can't always have you guys whenever I want. When people asked me how I'm doing back, I'd answer "I'm good. That was an experience. I was sad when it was ending, but now I've accepted that that form of the experience is over." I'm not so sure I feel that way now. Thinking about it and remembering isn't enough for me yet. Today, I spent so much time not wanting to be by myself. Today I wanted to share something with others and couldn't.

I'm not as okay as I thought I was.

I love this blog so much.

I just had a dream that we were all back. It was still summer, but for some reason it was a new semester. There were about forty of us back and then some new kids, we were all trying to make them feel welcome even though it was weird. Everything was different like the names of the dish crews and some of the activities we were doing, so we felt like it was new. But we all knew this was weird and not really the point. I was wondering why the teachers seemed okay with it. I was in the dining hall talking to someone (actually someone from my old school, I guess my dream mind was confused) about how I was so conflicted about if I should be there or not. I kept saying that I have a job and I have friends and that I can't do this to them anymore. But everyone was so happy to be back and I was too, but I just felt so stressed.

When I woke up I was relieved to be in my bed, with only my one Mountain School experience. I was relieved because I didn't have to decided whether to go back or not, I just had experienced it and that was all I could do. It made me remember how precious those months are, but how long they extend into our lives and dreams.

Right now I'm lying to a friend about not being able to go on a camping trip with him and a few others friends in Maine. It's not that I don't want to go, I love camping now, it's that I don't want to go with him. He acts so official, so professional, about the whole thing, with lists of equipment and descriptions of the site. I'm sure he's been camping more times than me. I'm sure he's got equipment I don't have. But he hasn't been camping like I have. He hasn't eaten ramen off the ground after brushing off the dirt, to Megan's (amused) disgust. He hasn't heard the clink, clink, thunk, thunk, of a very disappointing story. He hasn't lain awake all night with sleet drumming its fingers on his tarp, thinking that every time a stray drop hits his hammock it's instead a gremlin waiting below, plucking the string to make him sweat with terror. He hasn't taken down a makeshift tent with hands made useless by the cold. He hasn't made a parkour course out of a fallen tree. He hasn't whittled a sword, and in the process made his knife useless and dull on the first day. And he certainly hasn't written like I've written while completely isolated from civilization. So, I'm sorry, Trevor. I enjoy your company, most of the time, but camping is something we'll never be able to appreciate on the same level. It's something important to me, something that holds memories you won't ever be able to understand.

When I saw some of my close friends from home for the first time I walked home crying.
Before I went to the Mountain School I had always enjoyed every minute of the time I spent with these friends, never before had I wished I could just go home.
I am working on trying to see the friends that I really do care about--but I really miss you all.

after-solo quotes

-I never used it.

-As long as there are people who care about you somewhere, you're not alone.

-The footsteps I was hearing was my watch.

-You're my hero.

-I've definitely lost it on my own.

-How did it get there?!

-Oh my, the wind has stopped. Magic!

-Eating by yourself is a sad thing.

-...taking pictures

-Oh my gosh, I'm actually going crazy.

-...at the same time personal and impersonal

-I did a lot of thinking about thinking...this vicious cycle.

-Anna and Dean

-"Daydreaming is its own reward."

-It came to me...it was a demon.

-It was Lex's singing voice.

-Everything was confirmed.

-We're dead.

-isolation

-I really enjoy other's company.

-white zone

-feel young

-The forest was no longer in danger.

-I am living.

-I missed it.

-Virgin Mary

-I did talk to Ramen.

-...for hours on end

-Crap! I talked!

-wishing I could be out there

-the chance to stop

-My Kingdom

-I like it because it's pretty.

-I didn't write at all.

-I don't anymore.

-All I could see were my hands and feet.

-A heated debate between myself.

miss you <3>

p.s.- remember the bonfire? that evening was amazing. i was numb with love.

So recently things have been hard. I was starting to be happy, even though it felt fake at times, but then a lot of things happened. One of my friends pointed out my lack of interest in my friends lately, how I seemed to be floating through things. That hit home. Then my ballet teacher died. Not unexpectedly, but still, it is always shocking when these things happen. And then I had some realizations about a lot of my relationships here. Just lately I have felt incredibly unsure of some of my friends and feel like I am in an abusive relationships that I didn't notice just because I was used to them. I still love my closest friends, but I feel constantly stressed about this situation.

I miss you all so much, and the truly amazing environment we lived in. I miss being myself all the time, and want to try to apply that here. I think I came back too idealistic and ready for everyone to amaze me, and then I was disappointed. So for now, all I can do is be true to myself, or at least try.

I miss you all.

I think the worst part for me about coming home is the fact that my family is having a hard time with my re-entrance into their lives. Despite the fact that it's now been about 2 weeks since I've been home, my mom set the dinner table for 4 instead of 5 last night , accidentally forgetting to give me a place. I'm already having a hard time trying to readjust to life back home, and then something like that happens and just makes me want to close myself off even more. I miss the freedom and openness that I had around you guys.

That being said, I want to apologize for not being as truly open as I could have been. There are times that I could have told you things that you still don't know.

So I've been trying to have fun. In fact I have been having fun with some friends lately and I've found myself laughing like I used to at the Mountain School. I thought I was doing well and I was frustrated that I've had trouble keeping in touch with everyone but for the most part, I thought I was starting to recover. Then tonight, I looked on facebook and saw the album June 2010 of all the Boston, NY kids together. Immediately, tears streamed down my face. I could not have felt more alone or sad in that moment. Just writing about it makes me choke up again. I love you guys so much and i want you all to have fun but the fact that you all live so close and that you get to see each other over the summer kills me because I don't. I couldn't help but think that the last time that i had seen everyone or been with Mountain School people was graduation. I love you all so much and seeing that album was like opening a wound. I thought I was getting over this sadness, but little things like this keep bringing me back. The fact that nearly 20 of you got together was like a reunion i was never invited to. Obviously you wouldn't invite someone who lives so far away but it was so painful looking at those photos. I miss you guys with all my heart and I can't stand the fact that I can't see your faces everyday. I love you all so much and I really want to hear your voices.

love

Today i sent this message to some of my closest friends from home:

okay so i was just thinking about this and felt like telling you all
but after going to mountain school so many people were talking about how much they didnt want to go home to their old schools and their old friends
and how when they did get home it was so hard
they felt fake around all their friends and no longer fit in or saw the point in hanging out with them
and i just wanted to say that i came back and remembered absolutely how much i love you all and how much i love our school. all the teachers were so welcoming back to me
and all of you were so welcoming!
you are all such interesting people who are honest and true and real and not fake at all and fun and talented and smart!!
so basically the point of this message is to tell you how amazing you all are. i guess im really lucky to be able to come back to people like you

~~~

part of me is so happy that i have this back home. it's definitely not the same as the mountain school or the connection i have with all of you. but i feel like i have a group of friends who can be real.

then a part of me feels like i should have had a harder transition back...

sure i cried strait through the first few days

but im actually happy now -- even though i have many moments when im missing the mountain school and being able to see all of you

last night i had prom and i was abruptly thrown back into my school's social scene but instead of being able to flicker easily among crowds of pinned up and squeezed in girls i found myself completely uninterested. groups i once felt such a part of feel distant and i just have to fake it....
my guy friends seem shallow and i...well...i don't know...

i'm home all summer and far from you all and i'm just afraid i'll isolate myself...

what a happy note-my apologizes.

Life is becoming normal again. I hate it- don't get me wrong being home is nice... but days are starting to blur together and I don't want my summer to be normal. I don't want summer to be normal, or senior year to be normal or just my life in general to be normal. TMS was not normal- the stuff we did there and the connections we built were not normal, and no offense but none of you guys are really normal. I mean what kind of average high-schooler blindly ups and leaves their life at home and ships out to a farm in Vermont for four months? Anyways...I am just frustrated that some of my friends are content living the same day on repeat. I want everyday to be different and travel and make new friends, but my old friends just don't see the point. I have found myself in quite the pickle. Option A: run away to NY. Option B: move in with the homeless fishermen under the bridge near my house and befriend their stray cats- they'll be sure to understand where I'm coming from.

Thoughts

1. my friends suck because they think they are always needed, when sometime i just need to be alone

2. you guys are so AMAZING

3. my friends are also wonderful, but i just have to take it easy

4. sweet velvet old books are perfect for new journals!

5. sat IIs suck

6. modern family is hilarious

Thank you all for making and posting on this. This is gonna be fucking fantastic.

here is a list of things i'd like to remember that i put in the back of my journal:

journal sharing, carrying 29 eggs in our pockets, into the wild, sledding in jeans, homework on library hill, chicken-coop prison (thanks to rafi), coffee houses, what is at the bottom of the food chain? "plankton!", "Jack, if you can hear me, blink twice", Jack eating moose poop on an English hike, rawr, growl, puppy, fuz, sunshine, paws, baby goat, sisi burrito!, oh claro que si, yelling/singing/screaming on walks back home, peeing in the snow, squirl face, Nora's upside down face/jowls/bertha, Reif!!, Esci chapter night (laughing till we cry), Saturday morning (cookie making, orienteering, snowball fights, sledding) saturday night (sugar house celebration, star gazing, into the wild) (03/06), Esci hikes laughing till we pee (literally- yikes!), baby cows, baby goats, baby sheep, lap tag!, elbow licking competition, snow day letter, friday afternoon journals, hot chocolate with knitting needles, ab workouts!!, runs in the snow, thirteen, Pat falling out of the birch tree, dying spider, Jack singing and playing the piano, Kisses through the dorm vents, talking to Reif at night through the vents, spooning, snow baseball with Patrick Steph and Jay, snow football, getting fat!, Yoyo's poetry slam, Gabby throwing chalk at Pat, Esci Matt and Lex "you take the back", First Day: Rafi's speech on garden hill, Sat (03/06) best dish crew ever!, Jack: "did a retard put up these lights?" at dorm meeting, Jack's weird hand gestures, Pat's popcorn (throwing popcorn onto tongues), Miles singing, In the jungle before sugarshack celebration, group hugs, riding Anika like a horse "rabbit!, tumbleweed," Learning MGMT on the harp, oranges and apples, most amazing dish crew ever, treks up Garden Hill, snow falling on lashes forming crystals in our hair, honey on apples, sneaking raisins, granola, oranges, apples, etc., procrastinating in the common room, Gabby snoring at night, matt spinning us over his head, sourpatch kids, climbing up on the library rafters, the night when everyone felt the need to put off homework and turn the library into a jubgle gym, sledding before wednesday dinner --> lex going on his stomach backwards down the hill, Maddy and Nora peeing in pants, intimate kissies, Lex falling when running to wood crew- threw axe up in the air, gabby's farts, lyrics written on arms, cathy's chalk color changes, sharing journals, "lover please", egg hunt/three legged race, "I'll fly away", climbing the tree in front of Derby, when the snow melted!, bare feet on our glacier, swimming in/across Derby when it was still freaking cold, baby lambs!, moose kisses, naked time, looking at the starts and spinning full speed at night on garden hill, talking to the stars on the hambuger phone, the competition of licking elbows, "mango", Maryse Condé's speech= too many giggles, jai ho dance party, the day when the snow came back, overnight!, Jack's story before solo, ya-ya-ya-ya-yikes!, knock out fun!, Mt. Tom 10k race, fun week, final reflections, last day, love for everyone.

I love you all. My biggest fear in coming home was that i would fall back into a place where it seemed as though I had never left. I'm worried that my biggest fear is coming true. I've been back to my school for club meetings and some of my friends big senior project presentations and nothing there has changed, but I feel as though I have. How do I keep everything I gained by going to Mountain School and yet still live my life here?

Contact info

Hey Guys, please go to the link and fill in your information. Once I have it I can send it around to everyone. Contact information. Thanks for your cooperation, Jacob

https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=en&pli=1&formkey=dHhxN09OZHJXa2ZmeUhLRzMwcXNSeUE6MQ#gid=0