Changes

I've started thinking about Mountain School everyday. I used to think of it frequently when something reminded me one of you or brought me back to a memory. Now I think of it in intense nostalgia, contemplating my life compared to what I used to imagine it would be when I was at TMS. I had such high hopes for college and freshmen year definitely lived up, if not exceeded what I anticipated. Sophomore year has been the complete opposite. I've felt nothing but anxiety, disappointment, and just plain depression.
I've decided to take some time off from school. I've only told 2 people this. I am terrified of telling my parents and best friends. For awhile I've been feeling like I don't have a direction, but since making this choice I've reached an inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I have a lot of fear about leaving college, but it also feels right. I know that I can't stay at school and continue being so emotionless and disconnected, but it also isn't easy.
My sister wisely told me that I need to follow my inner compass instead of the compass that society tells us we should follow. More than ever I've come to admire those of you who took gap years or bravely followed paths straight from your inner compass. Mine is now pointing me on a path that is a complete mystery, but like going to Mountain School and other choices I've made along the way, I know that my inner voice knows me best.
Thank you for being silent, but reliable companions on this crazy path of life.

Old Post 2 (no title)

At this moment I am drunk. I admit it. And im happy, but sad because the people i was just wit i am only happy with when im drunk. i miss you guys, and i miss feeling so close to people completely sober. my ears are ringing. you are the greatest, because i met you, was awkward with you, and loved you... so wonderfully.y.

Old post 1 (no title)

I miss you guys, and I just want to apologize for not being as open as I could have been this semester. I

old thoughts and new ideas

I'm bored, so I'm going to go through the drafts of old posts and publish them at some undetermined frequency. Some are finished thoughts, some are blank titles. Anyways enjoy.

reality

The last few months have been pretty tough on me. I know many of you guys have limited experience in this, but my parents are having a really hard time paying for college. Enough so that I know I will never be sure come summer time each year that I will be able to go back to school. To have my future decided on something as ludicrous as MONEY and not on my work ethic or ability is entirely new to me. I don’t know how to be or act. I find I haven’t talked to anyone from college this summer yet, mostly because I’m scared I’ll never see them again. How do people live with this uncertainty? Because, this is a revelation to me, the vast majority of people do. I look back at the person I was at tms and I see who I can be, what I can do without this major obstacle. Imagine what we could do as a human race if everyone had that freedom.

I’ve stopped buying organic milk. I know that it is better, but regular milk is a dollar cheaper and I can’t bring myself to insist upon it. I can’t make the choices I want to make. I wish that I could be the person I was at tms, but I am coming to realize that was a utopian environment. Can you be realistic and a dreamer?

Even after two years of not seeing most of you, you are still some of my greatest friends in the world. I love you all.

Home

So I was just listening to Ed Sharpe (alone, in my room, doing calculus, in boxers... finals FTW!), and Home came on. I was chilling, and then when the spoken interlude happened, I found myself saying Jade's lines with her. I'm a guy, and I thought that weird. That I would choose, had I the choice, to be rescued by a strong man who would care to my bleeding ass, and give me a cigarette. He wouldn't put me in the front seat, though, despite my thinking that I'm bleeding to death. I guess that shows he has priorities, or at least cares for his car, but couldn't he at least throw down a towel? I'm being dragged to the hospital, I don't want to be treated like a child. Come on, Alex. Do better.

But yea I thought of you all. Look forward to receiving occasional Farm Crew updates.

Ramen

Do you guys remember during one of the last days when we were sitting near the gazebo on Garden Hill and someone said something, then someone said "Amen." Then Jimmy said, "Ramen." I just remembered that and laughed out loud.

I can't WAIT to see you guys this summer and frolic like we did two years (OMG TWO YEARS) ago. It's weird how sometimes it feels like a few months ago and sometimes it feels like it was middle school or something.

Love you ALL

:)

Just love to you guys

I still

think about you guys all the time.

Not like "I hate my life I wish I was at the Mountain School", more like "that was so great, I'm so lucky to have done that." I'm really happy with life right now but I miss you all.

Writing

I was bored the other day so I decided to write some things down. This is what I ended up with.

The feeling of light sweat and general heat prevents me from feeling completely comfortable. My hair is a blanket over my head and neck. The excitement over the difference, the irregularity, the suddenness of the exam is slowly being baked away. Gnats are living punctation. Their instantaneous encounters with my skin interrupt my mind's natural flow. Claire sits to my left, we'll say, as even now memory makes a plausible case for either. Taylor sits opposite her. We unsheath the exam, chittering like so many invisible avians. whose world we invade. Our discussion begins after a lengthy setup of bug spray and tape recorder. I can tell their thoughts, as mine are the same. We want the discussion to evolve, yet we want our fair share of talking time. We start, stutter, and finally finish our 3-legged race. We disband for phase two. The spot I choose, to the left of the trail above a small incline is oddly pliable. I remember leaves on on the ground, masking what could be branches. The air the climate make themselves known. Gnats fulfill their purpose.