a little rough on the edges.

it's come back, that creeping sensation of not being good enough.

last weekend was my school homecoming. the dance was painful. a room full of scantly clad american-apparel wearing girls juking with equally appalling partners against the wall. yum.
i wanted to run and scream. i just wanted to be back at mountain school where onsies were perfectly acceptable attire at an evening dance...instead, i found myself in the midst of drunken teens rubbing up against me on every side. i felt incredibly alone despite the close confines. my previously called best friend disappeared and i didn't look for her (we haven't been getting along that well recently) and my other new friend (who i had high hopes for) started looking at me differently, moving away from me. i realized that high school hierarchy was taking over. i just forgot that with school came labels. i'm not just me, here. i'm a gpa, a type a, a head of blah blah blah. i'm the overachiever and thats all. no one sees me as a person at school. its been years since i shed the teacher's pet persona and yet people still make stupid jokes when i swear or make reference to "a crazy night." "you do that shit?" they say, and i say yes not with pride or shame but just to state a fact. these people don't know me. i knew you all for four months and yet i'm closer to you then most everyone at "home." i hate being angry at this place, being irritable and frustrated. i don't like being unhappy. i was walking with my best friend today (my actual best friend) and i had to apologize for my recent attitude; i was ashamed. i just want to scream and have someone hear me. i'm invisible at school. im not a "weird" kid or a dork by any means but i'm not of the highest status either. i'm inbetween and unseen. i try telling myself that there are forty four people out there that know me as who i am but it's hard to have faith when you haven't spoken to anyone from our home in weeks. i just feel empty...emotionless. i want to remain invested in my life here but sometimes its just too difficult and it makes me hate myself.

i miss you all.
i love you all.



i'm sorry this isn't articulate. its been a really really long day. a really really long four months (yes it's been that long).