I currently have a love-hate relationship with my feelings towards TMS. Being around all you guys and having "real" people to have "real" conversations with helped me grow so much as a person and really boosted my own self-confidence and the way I view myself as a person. But it's because of TMS that I feel as though I don't have as much in common with my best friend (at school) anymore... and she doesn't really seem to realize it. No one at school realizes how much I've changed: how I am a semi-decent public speaker (where before I couldn't even stand up in front of the class without my knees shaking) and am not afraid to speak up and voice my opinion about different issues. I really don't care about being forced out of my comfort zone as long as it's a complete and utter cut-off from where I feel comfortable. That's why I'm so glad that I didn't come to TMS with a good friend from school- I would have clung to him/her instead of reaching out of my little shell and trying to get to know people.

But now I feel as if this new mindset is holding me back from being able to communicate with said best-friend-at-high-school. I've been trying to get more involved with various things and she can't open her mind to change in the same way that I've learned to. I still hate change, regardless, but I'm more willing to try something new (ie my sister apparently invited over a couple of girls in my grade who are going to dress me up for a party next weekend... and I DON'T go to parties... ever) than she is, and if I have her to cling to in an uncomfortable situation I know that I'll never be able to have fun and let loose a little- letting loose is really hard for me because I feel as if I have to stay constant with the image of myself that the rest of the world knows, and having her there will just make me feel even more awkward.

I don't mean to bitch and moan about a person that you guys don't know... I'm just trying to explain why sometimes I wish TMS was either a constant in my life or had never existed. I'm sick of trying to find a balance between the two while I'm at home, and it's driving me nuts. I miss you guys so much. All 44 of you helped change my outlook on life and who I am more than you ever will know, and for that I thank you dearly.