blog virgin

so, for the past few months, i have casually looked at the blog from time to time, but have felt too overwhelmed by the number of unread posts, or the amount of negative, harsh feelings being written about that i sympathize with but don't want to admit to understanding.

tonight, rachel and i talked for the first time in about a week. I missed her, i really did, in the seven or so days that we went un-connected. anyways, she urged me to read the blog. I think the conversation went something like this

R: did you check the blog yet today?

me: (hesitantly) i don't really read it?

R: WHATTHEFUCKIT'STHEBESTTHINGEVERYOUHAVETOREADITAHHHHH!!

anyways, i'm happy that i logged on. it comforted me to see the progression of the posts; the initial ones from three months ago speaking of the pain of separation, the intense anxiety and moroseness of the real world, to the slow acceptance that we will, quite simply, never NOT be a unit. it makes me feel closer to peace.

so now, i just want to share somethings about myself that i told some, but not all of you; now that i am hidden behind my beautiful, bedazzled mask of anonymity.

1) i suffer from depression. tenth grade was horrible, i had week long panic attacks, i was attached to my parents, i couldn't function. I wasn't suicidal, exactly.

i'm still not cured. It's my deepest secret just because it scares me that i cannot completely talk about it in the past tense. It is not over, but gradually getting better as the days go on. i'm climbing out of the deep hole, which, for any of you who are wondering, is not infinite.

2) i didn't love the mountain school at first. LISTEN: this does not mean that i was unhappy, or that i disliked it. I loved certain parts of it, small things like going back to the dorm in that lovely time between lunch and activity period. i was completely content, it felt like a home, but still i was not infatuated, obsessed.

Spring changed all of this. beginning with the first night back when i was one of the last people to arrive. walking into the library and seeing people springing up out of the pile of mattresses and bodies in order to hug us, to hug me. the hugs were strong, people put their faces into my hair, without words, people were explicitly signaling their love, and i reciprocated. the warm weather, the sun, knockout, the fact that i could now wear my weird dresses and be the flower that i wanted was beautiful. i was really home, and i was in love, in love with all of you.

3) alden brought to my attention at mark's house, as we were walking towards the grill, that he was impressed that i was in so many (maybe an exaggeration) final reflections. I'm sorry, my intention is not to gloat. what i'm trying to say that I never realized, until you guys showed me, that i am special. i owe you so much, for informing me that i am, despite my previous notions, worth writing about. (i really hope that this doesn't sound braggy).

4) i'm having a guilt problem. I really love my home friends, and sometimes, i notice that there are somethings friends that i've had for 12 years can offer me that you guys, my true loves, cannot. sometimes i feel guilty when i find myself having fun at home, not missing tms for a few minutes. guilty in those periods when i am not keeping in contact so well. i don't know why, but i have this misguided idea that if im enjoying myself at home, im negating or erasing the brilliance that was TMS spring '10. but when i think about "home" a lot, i, without fail, feel my heart being ripped apart and simultaneously being sewn back together. it hurts to miss it that much, but knowing that i have loved something so wholly gives me closure.

finally, i have one friend from tms, probably, my best friend, or one of them anyways, and since we have returned home, it has not been the same between us. It has been the slightest bit awkward, like that person is nervous, censoring them self. You; do not forget how fully i know you, and how i love you all the more for it. never forget the shower curtain ;-P

well, i think that's all. about three months worth of raw feelings. what can i say to you guys, to express my gratitude, my admiration for you wolf pack of 45?

in my fantasies, i can be free. i can wear loose, beautiful paisley dresses. I can run around and pick flowers, i'm obsessed with them, and make headbands. I'll never have to wear shoes, and i can spend eternity with grass beneath my feet. This freedom is my fantasy, my infatuation, but i would give it all up, any chance of it up, for any of you. Essentially, I don't need this liberty when i have you. you free me because i never have to doubt your love for me and mine for you.

Spring '10, you free me.