I've started thinking about Mountain School everyday. I used to think of it frequently when something reminded me one of you or brought me back to a memory. Now I think of it in intense nostalgia, contemplating my life compared to what I used to imagine it would be when I was at TMS. I had such high hopes for college and freshmen year definitely lived up, if not exceeded what I anticipated. Sophomore year has been the complete opposite. I've felt nothing but anxiety, disappointment, and just plain depression.
I've decided to take some time off from school. I've only told 2 people this. I am terrified of telling my parents and best friends. For awhile I've been feeling like I don't have a direction, but since making this choice I've reached an inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I have a lot of fear about leaving college, but it also feels right. I know that I can't stay at school and continue being so emotionless and disconnected, but it also isn't easy.
My sister wisely told me that I need to follow my inner compass instead of the compass that society tells us we should follow. More than ever I've come to admire those of you who took gap years or bravely followed paths straight from your inner compass. Mine is now pointing me on a path that is a complete mystery, but like going to Mountain School and other choices I've made along the way, I know that my inner voice knows me best.
Thank you for being silent, but reliable companions on this crazy path of life.
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I'm sorry sophomore year has been such a change, but I think this is a good decision, to take time off of school. If it's given you peace, then it's right for you, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or would have you think. Trust yourself--you are your own best advocate, and you know what works for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, by the way--we may be silent sometimes, but we are still present, watchful, there to help if you need it. I love you, and I believe in you.
taking time off is the BEST idea ever! trust me, as a gap year taker, it will change your life. on my gap year i learned to be best friends with myself. people don't always know what I mean when I say that. But it really does bring some inner peace.
ReplyDeleteit will be great! it is so amazing that you are giving yourself the gift of a semester (or longer!) off! my friend is on her second gap year because she loved it so much!
i love you, and you'll be okay because you are awesome
This summer, I felt as if my life was going to completely change, and the path I laid out for my life was completely and irreparably ruined. Even though it was completely stressful, I felt strangely free. I know we all have been amazingly successful because we planned so intensely far ahead, but maybe that's not the best thing? I know we talked a lot about living in the now at Mountain School, but we would talk about that, and then go to meetings with college advisors or take APs. Living our whole lives like we did at TMS is much different than living TMS like TMS.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you. Taking time off and veering from the path you/others have set out for you is hard and scary.
It will be ok, and I hope for you that the other people in your life see that you will be ok too.