sadness

Hi all,
The past 2 weeks have been really hard for me. We got a call one night from my aunt telling us that my 47 year old uncle had had a massive heart attack and died. I've been lucky thus far in my life that I've never really had to deal with the death of someone close to me. And now I've been forced to face not only a death, but one completely unexpected and shocking. I had to watch my dad call both his parents and tell them that his brother had died. And I had to watch as my family that already lost my father's sister of cancer when she was 16. My father was the oldest of 3 children. His sister died at 16 and his brother has now died at 47. He is now the only one left. This is scary to me to watch my dad who has always been such a strong person have to deal with something so tragic. The other part of this whole experience that has struck me the most is that I've had to watch my two cousins try and comprehend the death of their father, the person who has always been incredibly supportive in their lives. The oldest of the two girls is my age and it makes me start to cry all over again thinking about how she is having to go into her senior year with major decisions about college and her life without the person that should be there to assist her. I want so much to help her but I don't know what to say and all that I can think about is the fact that I still have my father and she doesn't. I just feel like when I try and help it's like I'm above her because my family is still in tact.
My dad had to do the eulogy, which was really hard on him, but he talked about how my Uncle Lou always lived his life to the fullest after their sister had died 3 days after his high school graduation. I thought about this and realized that I've been putting so much on hold since I've gotten home. I feel as though I really embraced life at Mountain School and made sure that I went to bed each night with no regrets. I was happier than I ever had been because I was leaving nothing undone and was truly experiencing each moment. Being home its been harder to find people to be spontaneous with or to do wonderfully crazy things with. I haven't lived as I did at Mountain School because I haven't been able to figure out how to bring my life there home. After the funeral I've been thinking about how I really wish I could live as I did at Mountain School; live a life full of love, wonder, joy, spontaneity. This is a morbid thought, but if I had died right after Mountain School I would have been completely happy and content that I had lived my life to the fullest. It scares me that I can't say that now.
I miss you all! Thank you for being there and giving me comfort during this time of sadness because even though this is hard, I've been reassured knowing that you're all only a phone call away. <3